“I want to help her, but I don't know how.” I hear this sentence quite often from expectant fathers and partners. And honestly, that's completely understandable. A birth is an exceptional situation for the birth partner too.
The good news: your birth partner can do an incredible amount for you. They just need to know what.
Why your birth partner is so important
During birth you're completely inside yourself and your body. Your birth partner is the person who knows you, who knows what does you good, and who is there for you when you can't find the words yourself. They are your safe harbour.
6 concrete things your partner can do
1. Create calm
Dim the lights, put on music, keep disturbances away. Calm surroundings help your body let go. Your birth partner can make sure the room feels a little more like you.
2. Support your breathing
If you hold your breath during a surge, your birth partner can gently remind you: “Breathe out long.” Or simply breathe calmly along with you. That often works better than lots of words. You can find out which breathing techniques help in my article 5 breathing techniques you should know for birth.
3. Offer touch
A hand on your back, a light massage, pressure on the sacrum. Many women find touch very soothing. But be careful: what felt good a moment ago can be too much in the next surge. So the rule is always: ask and pay attention to signals.
4. Speak for you
You've talked beforehand about what matters to you. During the birth, your birth partner can stand up for these wishes, ask questions and make sure you get time to make decisions. A good sentence for this: “Can we take a moment to think about it?”
5. Take care of physical needs
Handing you water, thinking of small snacks, reminding you to go to the toilet, helping you change position. Sounds trivial, but it makes a huge difference.
6. Simply be there
Sometimes the most important thing is to do nothing at all. Simply be there, hold your hand, stay calm. Presence is often the greatest gift.
How you can prepare together
- Talk beforehand about what you wish for and what might frighten you.
- Practise the breathing techniques and relaxation exercises together.
- Pack the hospital bag together so your birth partner knows where everything is.
- Think about how you'll communicate during the birth, for example with a code word for “I need some quiet right now”.
That's why I deliberately involve the birth partner in Hypnobirthing. They don't just learn what happens, they also get very concrete tools to work with.
And what if your partner feels unsure themselves?
That's okay too. A birth can be overwhelming for birth partners, especially when they see how hard you're working. This is where a Doula can take some of the weight off. She supports not only you but also your partner, and gives them confidence without taking their place. You can find out more on my page about Doula support.
Frequently asked questions about birth partners
Does my partner have to come to the Hypnobirthing class?
No, but it's worth it. In the class, birth partners learn in very concrete ways how to support you, and they feel more confident themselves as a result.
What if my partner doesn't want to be at the birth?
That's a legitimate decision too. Then another person you trust or a Doula can accompany you. What matters is that you have someone by your side with whom you feel safe.
Can a Doula and my partner be there at the same time?
Yes, and it's actually a really lovely combination. The Doula complements your partner, she doesn't replace them. They can both take pressure off each other.
My conclusion
Your birth partner doesn't have to be a birth professional. They just need to know how to be there for you. With a little preparation, helplessness turns into real support. If you'd like to prepare together, have a look at my hypnobirthing page or let's talk in a no-obligation get-to-know-you call .
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